I Can't
by Bm89
Summary: ...think of a good title for this-but I know it's Tuckson & it's a one shot. Heartfelt Passages post-ep of sorts


**A/N: Found this on my computer. No time like the present, right?**

 **I'm sorry / you're welcome.**

##

Olivia leans against the wall in one of the many too-brightly-lit hallways at Lincoln Hospital, staring blankly at the wall in front of her.

"You sure you don't need me to stay?" Ed moves to stand in front of her; his blue eyes boring into her red-rimmed brown ones. Her face is puffy from crying, and she feels his hands grasp hers tightly.

Just a couple of hours ago, Chief Dodds pulled the plug and they were now harvesting Mike's viable organs for transplant. There was nothing that she or anyone from the squad could do at this point - but they were all still here.

"Yeah," she says weakly. "Lucy has had Noah for so long…I think it'd be better for him if one of us was there to put him to bed," she explains softly. "I won't be far behind you."

Ed still doesn't look convinced. He had promised her earlier that he wasn't going to go anywhere. He wanted to make good on that. "You're sure?" he asked, skeptically.

At this, she gives him a meek smile. "Yes. Go," she leans in and gives him a brief kiss, in part to reassure both him and herself. "I'll see you in a bit."

Truthfully, she doesn't want to leave with him because she's not up for facing Lucy; having to answer questions, having to put on a front of being okay when she's really not.

His hands still grasp hers and he leans in, planting a kiss on her temple and gruffly whispering in her ear. "It'll be alright," he assures her. He kisses her again. "I'll see you at your place."

She watches him as he walks down the hallway toward the exit, and when he disappears from her view, she turns around and walks toward the waiting area where the rest of her squad sits.

The ones who are still alive.

The ones who still need her.

"Hey guys," she sighs, sitting down across from Rollins, who looks about as broken as she feels.

"How're you holdin' up, Lieu?" Carisi asks her, ever the caretaker. She's vaguely surprised to see his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Can I get you anything?"

Olivia smiles tightly, shaking her head and wiping away the tears that slide down her cheeks at the motion. "No, Carisi. I'm…" she sighs, "I don't need anything."

She doesn't want to say she's good, because she's not. None of them are.

It's all her fault, she thinks. She never should have left him in that house with Munson.

She feels a hand on her back. "Liv, stop." It's Fin's voice speaking softly to her and of course, he knows what she's thinking. "There's no way you coulda known it was gonna go down like this."

She sighs, trying to breathe away the tears. "But it did," she replies, resigned. She runs a hand down her face. She's not going there now. Not here. "Look, guys," she meets Fin's eyes and Carisi's, but Rollins is hiding behind her hand, her shoulders shaking with gentle sobs. "Let's get out of here. It's all family back there now." Her voice cracks. "There's nothing more we can do."

They nod and are slow to stand. Carisi guides Rollins up with a hand under her elbow and flanks her side as they start walking. Olivia walks up next to her other side, rubbing her back absently as they walk, trying to provide the comfort that she desperately needs herself.

SVU hasn't lost one of their own in the line of duty in all of her years with the squad. And just like that, on his last day, under her command, Dodds is gone.

##

She walks into her apartment about a half hour after he does and by the look on her face, she hasn't stopped crying since he left the hospital.

"Hey," he whispers in greeting from the couch. Noah is curled into his chest.

Lucy was happy to be relieved, but worried sick about Olivia. She'd heard the Lieutenant's voice crack on the phone earlier, and she knew how hard Liv must have been taking Dodds' death. It was all Ed could do to get her to go before Liv got home.

" _She's taking it hard," Ed had told Lucy. "But she'll be okay." Lucy had nodded, tears in her eyes. "We'll probably be around the next few days, but as soon as we get the funeral arrangements, we'll probably need you to watch Noah."_

" _Of course," Lucy had replied quickly. "Whatever you guys need. Just call."_

" _Thanks, Lucy."_

"Hey," Olivia replies. She sheds her blazer at the coat rack and drops her bag at the table in the foyer. She can feel him studying her face, and she gives him a small smile to reassure him.

"He's only been out a few minutes. Want me to put him in his bed?" Ed asks.

She sits down next to him on the couch and curls into his side, her hand rubbing circles on Noah's back as she kisses his forehead. "No," she breathes. "I just want to sit here for a minute with the two of you."

Ed's free arm wraps around her and he rubs her upper arm in a gesture of comfort. She's busy memorizing Noah's features. Features that, if today had gone differently, she may never have seen again.

His long eyelashes.

His full lips.

His adorably round cheeks.

In so many ways, he is her mini-me. It's impossible, given the circumstances that surround his conception, but miraculous nonetheless.

Ed is silent. He can't see her face with the way she's sitting, tucked into him, but he can feel her shuddering and can hear the emotion she's trying to tamp down with every swallow in her throat. "Liv…" he starts, softly.

"It could have been me today," she whispers, running the back of her index finger along Noah's cheek. Ed is frozen at her words. "I'm so angry at myself for leaving Mike in that house…but it could have been me in there." She swallows thickly. "This could have happened to me."

"But it didn't, Liv," he reminds her gently. He kisses the top of her head, closing his eyes against the liquid he can feel pooling against his own lashes. He doesn't want to imagine a world without her in it. Not now, not ever. "You can't play the 'what if' game." He feels her take a shaky breath. "Things happened the way they were supposed to, right or wrong. This is how it was supposed to be."

"Why?" Her voice is a harsh whisper, and it kills him that he doesn't have an answer for her.

"I don't know." He kisses the top of her head again. "No one does. No one could."

"I was holding Chief Dodds in my arms while he cried, while Mike stopped breathing. And I felt horrible, because on the one hand, his son died because of my mistake… and on the other, I was so relieved."

"It is NOT your fault, Olivia," Ed whispers forcefully. "It is Gary Munson's fault. He is the one who pulled that gun. He is the one who shot Mike. Not you." He squeezes her against him. "And as sorry as I am for Chief Dodds and the rest of Mike's family, I don't want to imagine what would have happened if it'd been you in there instead."

She can hear the emotion in his voice as he speaks, and she doesn't bother stopping the tears that track down her face in response. She's silent for a moment, simply listening to the rhythmic breathing of her son as he sleeps.

"Thank you for being there today," she says softly.

"Hey," he says, nudging her to get her to look at him. She obliges and he continues. "I wouldn't have been anywhere else."

She smiles, but it is sad, melancholy. "I know. Thank you." He kisses her forehead, and her eyes slip shut.

When he releases his lips from her skin, she adjusts her head to rest on his shoulder, keeping her eyes shut. She is so tired; so drained - both emotionally and physically.

"Think you can sleep?"

"I don't know," she answers honestly.

"Let me put him to bed, and I'll meet you in your room?" He rubs a hand down her back and she nods, sitting up so he can stand, still cradling Noah against him. She follows him to Noah's room, and bends down to place a soft kiss on her son's forehead, bidding him goodnight and whispering _I love you_ through tears before she leads Ed out of the room.

"Want me to run you a bath?" Ed asks as they enter her bedroom.

She shakes her head. "I think I just wanna lay here," she says, climbing into bed. "Lay with me?"

He regards her carefully, whispering a soft, "Of course." He slides into bed next to her and she cuddles into him, her head on his chest. "Okay?" he asks.

She nods. "Mhmm."

They are both still in the clothes they've been in all day. Really, they should take a shower; get into something clean, more comfortable. But she is more at peace right now than he's seen her since he found her in the waiting room, and he doesn't want to disturb her.

"I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there today," she says quietly.

His left hand covers her right forearm that lay across his stomach and his right hand runs absently up and down her back. "Liv, I meant what I said earlier. I'm not going anywhere."

##

 **Ah, the good ole days. I miss them.**


End file.
